Today’s newsletter is going to be a little more informal, partly because I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while and partly because I’ve been sick, which meant I had to come home early from a business trip in Paris and didn’t get to fully live out my Devil Wears Prada dreams. And unfortunately it’s times like these, when I’m stuck in bed and don’t know what to do with myself, that I really miss TikTok.
I didn’t realize how much my life was dictated by TikTok until I deleted the app. I guess it’s true, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. Where would I get ideas? Where would I find ways to romanticize my life? Where would I consume culture? But what I had failed to realize for months, while I lay in bed scrolling, was that it was an illusion.
TikTok made me feel as though I was living my life. I felt like I was coming up with new ideas, going places, exploring my personal style, and finding new books to read. But in reality all I was doing was laying in bed, scrolling endlessly, often with a book recommended to me by BookTok, untouched on the duvet beside me. One such book? How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell. Beautifully ironic.
This isn’t my first time without TikTok - besides the obvious time in my life before the app was invented. I’d had an account for nine months, racked up over six million views (flex), telling embarrassing stories from years past, only to have my account deleted after posting a video in a museum that showed a naked statue. The reason? Nudity and sexual content. I’d even taken care to cover up the genitals, but TikTok didn’t care (this will be a topic for another week). Gone was my account, and with it, all my views, to which I told myself I didn’t tie to my self worth but secretly probably did. What did I have to show for my time during the pandemic? Only a master’s degree, I guess.
Perhaps my issue with TikTok is more personal. Some may say that I have an issue separating the boundary between my real life and the app. But I doubt that of the billion and counting users on the app, I’m the only one with this problem.For me, the beauty of TikTok is also its downfall. There’s so much to consume. I don’t just mean quantity, but rather variety. There’s so much to consume.
I tried to remedy my problem by making a list in the notes app on my phone. I found that I would sit and wonder what to do on the weekends or search the online library and felt there was a relevant TikTok I had seen, something that provided a recommendation for a cool cafe or a great book that “you’d like if you liked The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” but it was impossible for me to find it when I needed it most. TikTok, if you’re reading this, you need to allow users to sort videos!!!
My solution: if I came across something I thought I could apply in my real life I would link the video in my notes app, or write down the name of the book. It didn’t work. I just ended up with a growing list of recommendations, but the free time when I could’ve gone and taken them to heart was often used to continue scrolling.
Besides the issue of being overwhelmed with the amount of content online, I was constantly being bombarded with hot takes. Of course, there are always times when we pull inspiration from other people, but I felt like TikTok (and perhaps social media in general) was different. Instead of developing my own ideas, I was regurgitating other’s, not using them for inspiration but just recreating lives that were already being lived.
For instance, there was a blanket that went viral on Instagram and I kept seeing it on TikTok (it was retailing for like $90). This isn’t to say that it isn’t actually a great product – really warm or cozy – it’s just that it’ll always have this sort of commodification because I think the only reason I end up really wanting it is because of the desire it holds in the eyes of other people. And once you have it, you want to keep showing it off, keep going online, and the cycle continues. This is the example I’m using, but I could apply this same logic to pretty much any product or recommendation that’s gone viral.
TikTok was so appealing to me because it presented itself as a platform that’s mainly positive. While I do love Twitter, and its service as an information sharing platform is unparalleled, it often becomes inundated with viral news stories, videos of natural disasters or just general complaint threads. This is part of the reason it is so appealing, but it isn’t inherently positive all the time. But TikTok was a place for dances, cooking and cats (depending on your algorithm), and was seemingly more optimistic, it made me feel good.
But that good feeling disappeared as soon as I closed the app, eyes crusty and red from hours of staring at a little screen. For me, TikTok is a mirage. From afar you think it’s an oasis in the social media desert, a place where you can finally stop for a drink of water and some shade. But you arrive only to find that there’s no water and no shade, just people dancing.
After deleting the app, in a fit of boredom, confusion and digital withdrawals, I bought a magazine. One of the first articles I read was a review of the London West End revival of Cabaret with Eddie Redmayne and Jessie Buckley (not to be confused with Real Housewives of New York star Countess Luann’s cabaret show). So I decided to enter the ticket lottery to go and see the show in its first week back on the stage. I somehow won the ticket lottery and ended up sitting in the second row, in a seat worth £250 for which I paid £25.
And it was absolutely incredible, pure magic - the best live show I have ever seen, and a great reminder that culture is happening all around me, not just on my phone.
Great article as always …and now I can’t wait to see how you tell the story of the naked statue in the museum. I’ve heard it in real life but reading it ought to be a gem.
Thank you for writing this! I have been without TikTok for a bit and I get serious FOMO whenever someone references a TikTok trend of which I’m completely unaware. But you’re right, there’s culture around us that doesn’t require endless scrolling!